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Wednesday, January 18, 2012

You Are Not Alone

I will keep writing about the beginning of our journey soon, but there has been a recurring theme this week that I feel I want to address first.  Whoever you are and whatever you are feeling, you are not alone!  In the past week I have learned a friend suffers from the same paralyzing fear of dying as I have.  Another friend is afraid she isn't a very good mother, hmm sound familiar?  The bible study I started this week at Rocky Bayou Baptist Church is one about breaking free.  Breaking free of whatever is holding you, whether it is shame, fear, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness, pride, whatever it is that is keeping you from experiencing all that God wants to give you; joy, peace, a humble heart.  You would never know all that you have in common with the people around you.  Now you will not see a whole lot of Scripture in my blogs, for the plain reason that I am still fairly new to this recommitment of my faith and am not very well versed in Scripture enough to link it.  I am always open to any suggestions though :) .  What does touch me deeply and stay in the front of my mind is music.  I listen to KLove exclusively and am constantly encouraged by the music I hear.  So I wanted to share some encouragement for something you may be feeling right now through songs that still give me goosebumps every time I hear them.

When you are feeling ashamed because of past sin: Be encouraged that God has cast that sin as far away from you as the east is from the west


When you are feeling like you are inadequate or unworthy:  Know that you are beautiful to God just as you are, with all your faults and imperfections.  He made you and knows the wonderful things he has in store for you.



When you are suffering from grief:  I pray that you will know He has his arms wrapped around you and I pray you will feel his peace and comfort



If you are questioning adoption in any form:  A reminder that we are all adopted by Him



If you are anxious about starting something new or need to take a leap of faith:  Just go for it!!


And while I haven't found my "life verse" yet, I have found my life lyric

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity---- "Hosanna" by Hillsong United

Friday, January 6, 2012

Darkness and Doubt

     Yesterday was a bad day.  The darkness started small a few days ago.  A little bit too much on my plate, a little too little sleep.  It escalated to 5 piles of clean clothes, needing folded and put away, housekeeping that needed to be done.  Several events in the next two months I need to get ready for.  It grew to a birthday party I forgot to plan, was egged on by a three year old who did not want to go to sleep and screamed for a half hour and exploded when I checked voicemail from the day before and discovered my kids missed a dental cleaning that I had absolutely no memory of making six months ago.  The darkness told me I was a crummy mom, "How could someone forget their child's dentist appointment".  I was a failure as a mother, my husband deserved to have all his clean clothes folded in his dresser, I should have read my daughter a book to ensure she was properly winded down before putting her to bed.  "They deserve a better mother" and then doubt delivered a blow that crushed me "Why would anyone entrust another child to you?  You can't even handle your own."  This is not a new thought, it is one I struggled with for weeks when we were first considering adoption, but more on that later.  Last night I gave in to the darkness and doubt and went to bed crying, discouraged, beat down, and disappointed in myself for letting down the little ones God has entrusted to me.  Do I know where those thoughts and feelings came from?  I sure do and it wasn't from my God.  My God is loving, patient, and kind.  He is an encourager, supporter and a solid rock of strength.  It wasn't his voice whispering these doubts in my head and fanning the flames of insecurity and worthlessness.  It was the other one, the enemy, who was stealing the hope and joy that God had given me about adopting.  So he won, but not for long.  After getting in car this morning to make my commute into work, I heard Casting Crowns "The Voice of Truth" on Klove radio.  It was exactly what I needed to remind me that what I heard wasn't His voice.  His word is forgiving, encouraging and brings hope.  The song says
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
      So I am renewed by His word; my hope in where His journey is leading us is once again restored.  My joy in wondering about the child God has chosen for us is back.  Will this be the last time those thoughts try and steal my hope?  No, but it gets easier and easier to invite God's peace into my thoughts and chase the darkness and doubt away, leaving room for His voice of truth.  In case you haven't heard it, here you go.  I pray it encourages you in whatever obstacle you are trying to overcome today.  By the way, the next three songs in the car? Jason Gray's "Remind Me Who I Am", Hillsong United's "Hosanna" (my favorite song ever), and finally Mandisa's "Good Morning".

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