A combination of Woohoo and Ummmmm

     So the news we have been waiting for finally arrived yesterday.....our homestudy has been  approved! I really want to stay real to the ups and downs of this process so I will tell you my train of thought during those next few minutes (and it's still going on).

- Woohoo!
- Oh my, what have we gotten ourselves into?
- I need to start on our profile book
- What if no one picks us?
- Hmmm, guess I should let my husband know so he can be excited too!
- Do we tell the kids or wait until we get matched, knowing it could be tomorrow or three years from now?
- Why am I more panicky than excited?
- Wow, how would we manage if it was tomorrow?
- How would we handle waiting three years?
- Deep breath, God has this.
- Seriously, what if no one picks us!
- We can apply for some grants now, gotta get that paperwork in ASAP.
- This sure is a lot of paperwork.
- I feel totally unprepared and not ready!
- Remember Kristin always says "God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called"
- This is just like your other children, you weren't ready for them either and look how that has turned out :)
- This is all on His schedule, not mine
- But some notice in advance sure would be nice
- This is not anything I can solve (epiphany)----> (prayer), "Lord I give it to you and pray for your peace as we wait". Exhale and continue on with my day.

     Just a brief glimpse into the neurotic workings of my brain.  Please pray for us and for all families and children "waiting" right now to become forever families.

Humorous Observations of the Adoption Process from an Introvert

So many people have asked me about the homestudy/adoption process, so I thought I would summarize it in this post, along with some other observations from the perspective of an introvert.  I embrace my introvertedness with humor and self-awareness and look upon every conversation I have with other people as a chance to educate them on different aspects of adoption.

1.  Be prepared for complete strangers to want to discuss infertility options and treatments with you.  One lady was asking about our infertility and what treatments we had undergone as our 2 biological children came running out of the garage.

2.  When you mention infertility is not a concern, be prepared for friends and family to be surprised and wonder why you want to adopt then.  I just explain building our family through adoption is what we know God is calling us to do.  Adoption is for anyone with a heart for children who need a forever family.

3.  Trying to explain adoption to your 3 and 5 year old can be rather enlightening.  Our 5 year old is praying for a brother and a sister so he can name them Batman and Robin, respectively and our 3 year old is throwing pennies in fountains praying for God to give our family 100 babies!!!!

4.  Asking our 12 year old his feelings on adoption is heart wrenching when he explains orphans are children whose families couldn't take care of them ( I had no idea he knew what an orphan was) and heart warming when he volunteers to share his and his brother's room with a new sibling, nevermind the fact that we have a spare room.

5.  Divulging and summing up your entire life story with all its ups and downs in a five hour home visit is emotionally exhausting and left me feeling emotionally drained.

6.  However, the self-awareness and epiphanys you receive from examining your life are well worth it.

7.  People will want to know the race and nationality of the child you are adopting and will let you know their feelings on the subject and that's OK.  I let them know my feelings right back and use the opportunity to advocate for all children who need a home, regardless of race or nationality.

8.  The homestudy process is basically opening your life.  Your desires, disappointments, challenges, successes, values, and faith is laid open for all to see.  Oddly enough, for as private a person as I am, this too I found very therapeutic.  To look at my life and relationships, challenges and hopes and to see how I was made into the person I am today.  To see how those experiences molded me whether their purpose was to give me empathy or to strengthen me, all things were in His plan for me.

9.  Woe be to the unsuspecting person who asks how the process is going if I've had a particulary emotional day, haha.  I think that just comes with the territory.  And gratitude to the person who lets me spill how I am feeling and truly listens, offering support.

10.  Once you start talking with people about your experience, you might be amazed how many people have been touched by adoption in one way or another.  This is truly amazing!  We have chosen to be totally open about our journey and welcome anyone who wants to discuss it and we have learned so much about friends and complete strangers to know that we are not alone in this journey!

     Overall the homestudy has been an indepth examination into every aspect of our family's life both for my husband and I and for our adoption worker.  We have learned so much from this process and I know every experience will help to better prepare us for the road that lies ahead.

     Coming soon......our profile book!

A Change in The View of Openness

     A two sentence paragraph totally changed the way I am looking at potential openness in our adoption.  I was reading the book “The Adoption Decision: 15 things you want to know before adopting” by Laura Christianson (Wonderful book by the way).  She was citing another adoption book by Betsy Keefer and Jayne Schooler.  The sentences were these

                “In the same manner that parents do not stop loving one child when another one enters the family, children have the capacity to love more than one set of parents.  They do not have to stop having feelings about their birth family just because they are part of an adoptive family”

 

Wow!  What a promise these sentences hold, both in my past and in my future.  If you remember earlier I spoke about my husband’s son who has been in my life since before he was 3.  If I had read these sentences back then, what a different outlook I would have had.  Instead of feeling like I was competing with his biological mom, I could have embraced his ability to love both.  I recognize now that it was my own doubts and insecurities about this new world of parenting which added to these feelings.  It wasn’t until my husband and I attended our adoption training that I really processed our current relationship with our oldest son's birth mother (my husband’s ex-wife) and her husband.  When we first started considering how “open” [how much contact we would agree to with the birthparent(s)]        we preferred our domestic adoption to be I admit I had great concern.  I felt I would be open to providing photos and updates on a set basis, but anything beyond that made me uncomfortable.  While sitting at that training, though, God began to stretch my heart and started to open it up to the possibilities.  He showed me how far we had come in our relationship with my husband’s ex-wife.  Over a time frame of 9 years, we have come from brief, terse conversations which were rarely positive to sharing the love of our precious son.  She and her husband are such a part of our extended family, it is truly amazing!  From birthday parties with both extended families to cheering at football games while he plays in the band, to joint parent/teacher conferences the way we working together to raise him is going well.  We even call them to babysit for our two if we are in a bind.  Our two biological children know them and look forward to seeing them, taking pictures with them and playing with them.  They know their brother has two mommies and two daddies and they have one mommy and one daddy.  When they ask why, I just explain that families are made all different ways and what God chose for them is different than their brother.  In this way, I feel so blessed to have this history and to have our children already exposed to the different ways families are created.  So at this training God reminded me of how far we had come in that relationship and how closed off I was being with consideration to a potential birthparents feelings and wishes. 

     So is the idea of having a birthday party with an adopted child and his/her birthparents and extended family still out of my comfort zone? Sure.  Am I more willing now, to have my boundaries stretched and to follow His plan for this adoption?  Absolutely, because He has shown me what can be accomplished when you love a child!  And the sentences above have released me from the feeling that I will have to compete for a child’s love, imparting instead His wisdom that a child is capable of loving more than one set of parents just as we are capable of loving more than one child!  And with joy,  she and her husband’s photos will be proudly shown in our family’s profile book.

Wow, busy busy is the home study.  But in the meantime we have been able to get some great fundraising gear.  Check out our fundraising tab at the top of the blog for some beautiful jewelry and one of a kind T-shirts.  If you are an adoptive family interested in a great fundraising project, check out the Rescue One Project at Back to Africa .  Thank you so much for your support!!  It means the world to us.

In The Quiet Times

     So I have been silent for a little bit but that was only because there were some things in the works.  About 6 months ago I decided to try and go on a 2 week mission trip to Zambia through Heart of the Bride to finally meet Mapalo.  I had wanted to go on this trip for 3 years, but it never seemed to be the right time.  So I prayed, raised money, prayed some more and received enough to go!  All of a sudden I understood why He had me wait.  She would have been so young before (2 instead of 5 now), I would not have been prepared spiritually, it would have been a rough first mission trip.  But I was ready now.  So many scenarios ran through my mind… I would see her, she would recognize me from our family pictures and she would run to me.  Or I would peek around the corner and just watch her, filled with love, until I introduced myself and we hugged.  All of my scenarios ended with me hugging her, crying with her, talking with her and sharing with her how much our family loved her and how much God loved her.  Then about 2 months before we left, my dream was shattered.  I was not going to be able to meet her and we would not be sponsoring her anymore.  This was out of the ministry’s control and it was just something that happened.  Believe me when I tell you I was devastated.  I cried, my heart ached, I was angry, I thought about not going, and I questioned Him in my despair.  Why?  After all this time and hope, Why?  After the anger subsided, I began to pray for clarity.  I accepted it was His will for me not to see her but why?  I still felt I was meant to go on the trip but I was searching for purpose.  I was still searching and praying when I boarded the plane on June 2, during the ensuing two days spent in the air and at airports, during a 15 hour flight and was still praying when we landed on a foreign continent.  I was frustrated and didn’t understand.  What was God’s purpose still bringing me to Zambia?  The poverty didn’t shock me, I had seen it in Haiti.  The living conditions didn’t shock me, I had seen that in Costa Rica. (I’m not saying they didn’t affect me, they didn’t shock me).  I prayed for his will to become clear to me while we worked with street boys, did outreach with street girls, shopped in the market, fellowshipped with new friends, sang worship and praise songs and met some wonderful young men who have been helped off the streets and are now living in a ministry house together.  For 10 days in a foreign country my heart prayed continually “What would you have me do” “What is it I am to take away from this place and your work here?” But mostly “Lord, why am I here?”  And for 2 months and 10 days, quiet nothing.

     But He is faithful and He hears our heart and answers in His time.  So there I am, brushing my teeth and getting ready to crawl in my mosquito netting for the night (Again, I really don’t make these up.  He speaks to me at odd times) when I hear Him.

  “You are here to say goodbye, let her go”

     So I broke down a little bit, not wanting to listen.  But I did and when I started listening some more I understood.  This is the short version.  Since being introduced to her, I had a vision, a desire, a want.  I wanted to bring her (to our) home.  I held on to that for such a long time.  Up until the week we left, even knowing I would not be seeing her, I was still checking the Zambia information site to see if they updated their adoption requirements.  Until God told me to let her go, I had no idea how tightly I had been holding on to the idea of her.  I was expending a considerable amount of time and energy in this vision, when it was not His vision for us.  I had to say goodbye and let her go in order to be able to devote my heart to His plan for us in this moment.  This wonderful domestic adoption path He has set us on.  I see now why my heart has not been fully open to the idea of domestic adoption He has placed in front of us; it was because a part of my heart was half a world away.  So I said a tearful goodbye in my heart and let the vision come to an end.

As it should be.

As is His will.

And felt peace…

     So I returned home and wouldn’t you know, with this new found direction and renewed strength, we have finished our Home Study paperwork.  Yeah, God is good.  It was put in the mail today and we have our 2 day mandatory training in 2 weeks, with home visits to follow in the near future.  I am humbled by what God can accomplish through me when I choose to surrender and follow.  And I feel hope…

  So we have formally changed to Domestic Infant Adoption!  Home study here we come.  Keep checking back for some really cool fundraising gear!

The (not so little) Change

     So the change....Remember when I said the plan was all laid out?  Well apparently that was my plan and not His.  Every once in a while, God brings me back to His plan and reminds me of that.  So when I called to check and make sure our adoption specialist received the application, we discussed some things and she told me she had been seeing a bit of an increased need in the area for domestic infant adoption.  I let her know I would talk to my husband and we would let her know either way, but I was totally not feeling it.  So what was once a set plan was turned on its ear again, just when I finally got my rear in gear and actually got started with the paperwork.  So let the inner voices and turmoil start again!  Luckily I had been through this before and knew which voice I needed to try and focus in on.  A part of me wanted to stomp and pout, we were on our path, we were doing good!  They other part of me was wondering, "I had received so many confirmations" Did God change his mind???  Something that stuck out was in our formal application one of the questions is "Are you willing to consider other countries if there is a need"  Obviously we answered yes and it occurred to me that would include our own country.  "But all the signs for China.." So after two weeks of the incessant back and forth in my mind, I finally listened to my husband.  "What" I'm sure you are asking, but surely you guys discussed this before you are thinking.  Yes we had, but I didn't listen.  So after two weeks of this I am sitting in the line to get my oil changed (Seriously, I don't make this up. My aha! moments occur in the weirdest places) and it occurs to me.  "Could my sign be as simple as wanting to honor and respect my husband's wishes"  Ahhhhh, peace.  See I knew what my husband's preference was; he has always wanted to go domestic.  That wasn't where I was feeling called so I forged ahead with my decision wihtout realizing this was a decision we had to be aligned on.  So I consulted with my "all things spiritual and adoption" related dear friend (who is so much more than that but I can't extoll all her virtues in a blog post!) and she verified what I was feeling as a change of heart that would align both of us to God's plan for our family.  So rarely does my husband have an opinion on anything, I try to pay attention when he does.  So we had the best discussion since deciding to adopt and talked about doing both China and domestic at the same time but decided that would not be financially responsible.  So the decision is.....We are going Domestic Infant Adoption!  I can't explain, but God's peace has been with me since I decided to respect my husband's opinion, no more voices or indecision.  Just....Peace.  So pray for us as we head down a different path and pray for God to move in my heart concerning this change.

     So what about China?  Why is it on my heart?  Why did I have all those confirmations?  Only God knows and I am excited to look back on this in 10 years and may be able to answer those questions, because he put it on my heart for some reason.  Maybe just not for right now.....

Catching You Up

All right, so I have some news but it occurs to me that I can't tell you anything new until I have finished our back story.  So here is the abridged version.  After meeting with our pastor, my husband and I decided the next step was to meet with the agency.  My husband and I sat down with our calendars on a Thursday in March and figured, with my sister getting married in a few weeks, if we could not get a meeting the following day on Friday then it would be two months until everything settled down again.  So I called (really not holding my breath that she would be open the next day) and imagine my [not really] surprise to find out she was open.  The whole day.  Imagine that.  So we set the appointment, met with her and while still unsure about whether to go the domestic or international route, went ahead with the preliminary application for International adoption.  We were amazed to see we qualified for adoption from 8 or so countries.  We prayed continuously for a sign where we were supposed to go and a lack of one had us (meaning me) just making a choice.  The plight of "waiting children" in China really spoke to my heart and we decided to go that route.  We discussed it with our oldest son (10 at the time) and he not only knew what an orphan was but graciously offered to share his and his brother's room if it was a boy or his sister's room if it was a girl.  Nevermind that we have a spare room :)  So there we were, I had received confirmations we were on the right path with China and we were going full steam ahead.  I learned when everything is going according to your plan is usually when He reminds you of His plan.

     So now you are caught up and you know how we got where we are.  I will keep our timeline (find the tab at the top) updated with events so you can see our progress.  I love to read comments and to meet whoever reads this blog so make a comment or drop me a line here and tell me what you think!

Our Story Continued

     All right, so we covered Mapalo and how we weren't meant to adopt her.  So through a women's group in our church I met a very strong and awesome woman who has such a big heart for anyone in need.  She started an orphan care ministry who puts on quarterly seminars to educate people about adoption.  Visit Passion 127's site here.  I heard about the meetings and it interested me a little bit.  If I am being honest, a big part of it was thinking this woman was just so cool and seemed like a great person, I wanted to get to know her better! KB go ahead and laugh :)  The timing was never quite right so my husband and I ended up not going to the seminar until Spring 2011.  In between this time, I went on a mission trip to Costa Rica through our church, Grace Lutheran Destin and went to another Heart of the Bride gathering in December 2010 of which theme was "What will you do?"  More on mission trips later...  So we sat through this adoption seminar and my eyes were totally opened to the process.  For myself I thought the process went something like this- Decide to Adopt, Pick a Country, Fill Out Some Paperwork, Bring your Child Home, Rainbows and Butterflies.  That is totally not how the process goes.  First of all, there are a couple different adoptions for domestic (US) adoptions and regarding international (other country) adoptions, each country has its own requirements for the adoptive family.  I fully realize now, how arrogant my views were.  So we were educated and at the end of the seminar I felt it.  And it scared the heck out of me!!!! I remember looking at my husband (who was ready to bring them all home!) and saying with tears in my eyes "This is big" and he agreed.  So the seed which was planted with Mapalo over a year earlier sprouted.  My husband and I had some discussion regarding whether to go domestic or international.  He preferred domestic, I preferred international.  Over the next week, I had massive internal dialogue going on.  For every reason I could think of to adopt, there was a reason waiting right behind it telling me we shouldn't.  Then I got some confirmations out of the blue.  In one day three things happened.  A random search for my favorite song Hosanna yielded a blog about Hosanna: Our Ethiopian Adoption Story.  My mother also called and told me she had been looking at pictures and she thought we needed more children.  On that same day I was trading some books online and came across a woman's profile who said she was an adopted grandmother to many.  Wow!  God I'm listening...  I went to church that Wednesday night and afterwards I was sitting in my car when I had an "Eureka" moment.  The reason I was having such discord in my thoughts about adopting was because I was not listening to Him.   He had put it in our path to adopt and I was trying to argue with Him and tell Him all the reasons we could/should not adopt.  The reason I was having such turmoil in my thoughts was because I wasn't listening.  So I surrendered it to Him and told Him I was listening.  I was instantly at peace and the seedling grew a branch.


     The next step was to meet with our Pastor at the time who also had a heart for adoption.  Looking back now, I see the path He was leading us down and he was surrounding us with people who would support us and encourage us while we began this journey.  We discussed domestic and international adoption and also the different agencies to work with.  We decided on our adoption agency (click here if you want to discuss it with me privately) and another branch sprouted. 


     I think thats enough for now.  I shall continue the story later...

A Discussion with "The Voice"

     Whenever people tell me they felt God telling them to do something, I always wonder “How do you know?”  I tend to overlook or overanalyze the subtle and sometimes it takes billboards smacking me upside the head for “A-ha” moments.  So I am trying to slow down and listen to the little voices and it is great, although I don’t always like what they say.  Took my little ones to the library like we do every Monday, and took a $5 bill inside because I knew I had some overdue fees.  When we were checking out the librarian said there were no fees, at least not on that card (they might be on my husband’s card).  A little puzzled we headed out to the parking lot, me still holding the $5 bill.  We walked to the car and I saw them.  2 old bicycles in a parking spot with all the owner’s worldly possessions on them and in tiny trailers that were being pulled by the bikes.  No one was around them, I suspect they belonged to two of many homeless men who spend time in the library.  I looked down and saw the $5 bill and heard “it”.  The voice that was telling me to go put it on the bike.  I stood there for a few minutes while the kids were putting seat belts on, looking between the money and the bikes, having a very unconvincing discussion with “the voice” about all the reasons I shouldn’t go put the money on the bike.

  “I can’t walk across the parking lot to do that”
  “Why not”
  “What if someone sees me and thinks I am taking something”
  “That won’t happen”
  “What if they buy alcohol with it”
  “That’s not your decision”
  “What if it blows away or they don’t see it”
  “Really? Just go do it”. 

     I got in the car and knew from experience if I did not listen to “the voice” I would be thinking for the next couple days about how I should have listened and  done it.  I drove over to the parking spot right next to the bikes and parked. And sat. And had another dialogue in my head because this was WAY out of my comfort zone.  I kept sneaking peeks to see where I could put it so they would see it but it would be too conspicuous.  Finally with a deep breath I  jumped out of the car and tucked it under a bungee cord that was holding a blanket on the back of one of the bikes and jumped back in the car.  As we were leaving the parking lot I stopped and said a prayer for the owners of those two bikes.  I prayed he would share the money with whoever the other bike belonged to, I prayed they knew they was someone who cared for them, I prayed they would use the money to get a bite to eat and I prayed for God’s peace to be around them and to provide for them.  At peace with the voice, we went about the rest of our night and I wonder….what can I take to the library for them next week?

What is the tiny voice telling you to do if you just would slow down and listen?

How it Started

     Never thought I would get to the point where I was writing down ideas for blog posts, but I actually have a notebook now.  Usually it's just a thought or two but I know I need to carry on with our story so here is what I consider the start....  On August 28, 2009, a good friend of mine had a Celebration of Life for her baby boy Jonathan, whom she was pregnant with at the time, who had Trisomy 13 and lived for a glorious 40 minutes after he was born.  You can read her blog here Jonathan's Journey .  She had a Celebration of Life for him where she asked people to bring gifts for a local ministry who has a huge heart for orphans all over the world.  Please go check them out here, Heart of the Bride.  So I brought some items, met some people from the ministry and was amazed at all they were doing.  I ended up holding a fundraising gathering for some of the orphans they serve and was so amazed at all the thoughtful people in my life who contributed.  Around Christmas time they had an annual gathering where you go and see what the ministry has been up to that year and what they are looking towards doing the next year.  I went and took my mom.  At this gathering they had a booth of children you could sponsor.  I walked by and a face jumped out at me.  She is a beautiful, little girl named Mapalo (her name means Blessing).  She was 3 years old at the time and lives at the Sara Rose Home (orphange) in Zambia, Africa.  I didn't think we would be able to spare the funds to sponsor her so I walked on.  Her smile stayed in my mind throughout the discussions and presentations.  I finally went back to the table to pick up her picture (they allow 1/2 and 1/3 sponsorships also) and panicked when I couldn't find it.  It was her, it was meant to be her!  I asked the lady where it was and she found it.  I stepped out in faith and said we would fully sponsor Mapalo.  I held her picture the rest of the night and was so excited to come home and tell my husband about her.  But there was one consistent thought in my mind that wouldn't go away.  One question I knew my husband would ask me as soon as I showed him the picture.  So with shaking hands, and a head saying I really did not want to ask this question, I walked up to the lady working the booth and asked.  "Can these children ever be adopted?"  I asked for my husband but I see now that God was planting a seed.  We discussed her situation and I learned Zambia is not a country who currently follows Hague Convention guidelines.  Basically, at least 1 of the parents has to live in Zambia for a minimum of 12 weeks before the government might possibly consider the parents adopting a child.  They have this in place to protect the children from trafficking and to prove the parents intent behind adopting, I understand, but it was totally unrealistic for our circumstances.  There are very few sucessful adoptions from Zambia by Americans.  So I had my answer and went home.  I came in the door, overflowing with emotions and so touched from seeing all this ministry does.  I showed my husband the picture of Mapalo and he said exactly what I knew he would say "When can we bring her home?"  I explained the situation and conditions and he listened.

     A few weeks later I was still thinking about it and we made an appointment to speak with our Pastor.  We met with him and explained how impossible it seemed.  I asked him "Why would God introduce us to this child if we were unable to bring her home?"  He smiled and said maybe it was His way of opening us up to the thought of adoption.  He told a story of a mission trip he went on and he desperately wanted to bring one of the children home.  It was not feasible but he believed it was God preparing them for the choices they would make down the road concerning adoption and their family.  I didn't see it, but OK, maybe we're just meant to sponsor her and to help her that way.  Although I thought we could help her a lot more if we could adopt her.  And being totally honest, I was just thinking about the adoption because I knew my husband would like to, I wasn't there yet.  God still had some work to do.

     That's all for now, but there is more to come.  We still fully support Mapalo (God is good) and she is growing so much!  Looking back I can see the path so clearly, but looking forward at the time, I had no idea.  How ignorant we are sometimes to God's greater purpose for us...

You Are Not Alone

I will keep writing about the beginning of our journey soon, but there has been a recurring theme this week that I feel I want to address first.  Whoever you are and whatever you are feeling, you are not alone!  In the past week I have learned a friend suffers from the same paralyzing fear of dying as I have.  Another friend is afraid she isn't a very good mother, hmm sound familiar?  The bible study I started this week at Rocky Bayou Baptist Church is one about breaking free.  Breaking free of whatever is holding you, whether it is shame, fear, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness, pride, whatever it is that is keeping you from experiencing all that God wants to give you; joy, peace, a humble heart.  You would never know all that you have in common with the people around you.  Now you will not see a whole lot of Scripture in my blogs, for the plain reason that I am still fairly new to this recommitment of my faith and am not very well versed in Scripture enough to link it.  I am always open to any suggestions though :) .  What does touch me deeply and stay in the front of my mind is music.  I listen to KLove exclusively and am constantly encouraged by the music I hear.  So I wanted to share some encouragement for something you may be feeling right now through songs that still give me goosebumps every time I hear them.

When you are feeling ashamed because of past sin: Be encouraged that God has cast that sin as far away from you as the east is from the west

When you are feeling like you are inadequate or unworthy:  Know that you are beautiful to God just as you are, with all your faults and imperfections.  He made you and knows the wonderful things he has in store for you.

When you are suffering from grief:  I pray that you will know He has his arms wrapped around you and I pray you will feel his peace and comfort

If you are questioning adoption in any form:  A reminder that we are all adopted by Him

If you are anxious about starting something new or need to take a leap of faith:  Just go for it!!

And while I haven't found my "life verse" yet, I have found my life lyric

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity---- "Hosanna" by Hillsong United

Darkness and Doubt

     Yesterday was a bad day.  The darkness started small a few days ago.  A little bit too much on my plate, a little too little sleep.  It escalated to 5 piles of clean clothes, needing folded and put away, housekeeping that needed to be done.  Several events in the next two months I need to get ready for.  It grew to a birthday party I forgot to plan, was egged on by a three year old who did not want to go to sleep and screamed for a half hour and exploded when I checked voicemail from the day before and discovered my kids missed a dental cleaning that I had absolutely no memory of making six months ago.  The darkness told me I was a crummy mom, "How could someone forget their child's dentist appointment".  I was a failure as a mother, my husband deserved to have all his clean clothes folded in his dresser, I should have read my daughter a book to ensure she was properly winded down before putting her to bed.  "They deserve a better mother" and then doubt delivered a blow that crushed me "Why would anyone entrust another child to you?  You can't even handle your own."  This is not a new thought, it is one I struggled with for weeks when we were first considering adoption, but more on that later.  Last night I gave in to the darkness and doubt and went to bed crying, discouraged, beat down, and disappointed in myself for letting down the little ones God has entrusted to me.  Do I know where those thoughts and feelings came from?  I sure do and it wasn't from my God.  My God is loving, patient, and kind.  He is an encourager, supporter and a solid rock of strength.  It wasn't his voice whispering these doubts in my head and fanning the flames of insecurity and worthlessness.  It was the other one, the enemy, who was stealing the hope and joy that God had given me about adopting.  So he won, but not for long.  After getting in car this morning to make my commute into work, I heard Casting Crowns "The Voice of Truth" on Klove radio.  It was exactly what I needed to remind me that what I heard wasn't His voice.  His word is forgiving, encouraging and brings hope.  The song says

And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
      So I am renewed by His word; my hope in where His journey is leading us is once again restored.  My joy in wondering about the child God has chosen for us is back.  Will this be the last time those thoughts try and steal my hope?  No, but it gets easier and easier to invite God's peace into my thoughts and chase the darkness and doubt away, leaving room for His voice of truth.  In case you haven't heard it, here you go.  I pray it encourages you in whatever obstacle you are trying to overcome today.  By the way, the next three songs in the car? Jason Gray's "Remind Me Who I Am", Hillsong United's "Hosanna" (my favorite song ever), and finally Mandisa's "Good Morning".