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Thursday, June 28, 2012

In The Quiet Times

     So I have been silent for a little bit but that was only because there were some things in the works.  About 6 months ago I decided to try and go on a 2 week mission trip to Zambia through Heart of the Bride to finally meet Mapalo.  I had wanted to go on this trip for 3 years, but it never seemed to be the right time.  So I prayed, raised money, prayed some more and received enough to go!  All of a sudden I understood why He had me wait.  She would have been so young before (2 instead of 5 now), I would not have been prepared spiritually, it would have been a rough first mission trip.  But I was ready now.  So many scenarios ran through my mind… I would see her, she would recognize me from our family pictures and she would run to me.  Or I would peek around the corner and just watch her, filled with love, until I introduced myself and we hugged.  All of my scenarios ended with me hugging her, crying with her, talking with her and sharing with her how much our family loved her and how much God loved her.  Then about 2 months before we left, my dream was shattered.  I was not going to be able to meet her and we would not be sponsoring her anymore.  This was out of the ministry’s control and it was just something that happened.  Believe me when I tell you I was devastated.  I cried, my heart ached, I was angry, I thought about not going, and I questioned Him in my despair.  Why?  After all this time and hope, Why?  After the anger subsided, I began to pray for clarity.  I accepted it was His will for me not to see her but why?  I still felt I was meant to go on the trip but I was searching for purpose.  I was still searching and praying when I boarded the plane on June 2, during the ensuing two days spent in the air and at airports, during a 15 hour flight and was still praying when we landed on a foreign continent.  I was frustrated and didn’t understand.  What was God’s purpose still bringing me to Zambia?  The poverty didn’t shock me, I had seen it in Haiti.  The living conditions didn’t shock me, I had seen that in Costa Rica. (I’m not saying they didn’t affect me, they didn’t shock me).  I prayed for his will to become clear to me while we worked with street boys, did outreach with street girls, shopped in the market, fellowshipped with new friends, sang worship and praise songs and met some wonderful young men who have been helped off the streets and are now living in a ministry house together.  For 10 days in a foreign country my heart prayed continually “What would you have me do” “What is it I am to take away from this place and your work here?” But mostly “Lord, why am I here?”  And for 2 months and 10 days, quiet nothing.

     But He is faithful and He hears our heart and answers in His time.  So there I am, brushing my teeth and getting ready to crawl in my mosquito netting for the night (Again, I really don’t make these up.  He speaks to me at odd times) when I hear Him.

  “You are here to say goodbye, let her go”

     So I broke down a little bit, not wanting to listen.  But I did and when I started listening some more I understood.  This is the short version.  Since being introduced to her, I had a vision, a desire, a want.  I wanted to bring her (to our) home.  I held on to that for such a long time.  Up until the week we left, even knowing I would not be seeing her, I was still checking the Zambia information site to see if they updated their adoption requirements.  Until God told me to let her go, I had no idea how tightly I had been holding on to the idea of her.  I was expending a considerable amount of time and energy in this vision, when it was not His vision for us.  I had to say goodbye and let her go in order to be able to devote my heart to His plan for us in this moment.  This wonderful domestic adoption path He has set us on.  I see now why my heart has not been fully open to the idea of domestic adoption He has placed in front of us; it was because a part of my heart was half a world away.  So I said a tearful goodbye in my heart and let the vision come to an end.

As it should be.

As is His will.

And felt peace…

     So I returned home and wouldn’t you know, with this new found direction and renewed strength, we have finished our Home Study paperwork.  Yeah, God is good.  It was put in the mail today and we have our 2 day mandatory training in 2 weeks, with home visits to follow in the near future.  I am humbled by what God can accomplish through me when I choose to surrender and follow.  And I feel hope…


  1. Thank you! A reminder I definitely needed.... To set my heart on what He has in mind for us, even of it means settin free and saying goodbye to a different plan we had... Thanks

  2. Oh I know how your heart was broken over precious Mapalo, but I am so thankful that God allowed you to go to her home country and say goodbye. I had wished you would see her, but it would have been harder on you. God is good and I know that you and your family made an impact on her in those short years. He is bringing you the child he knows will be best for you and your family. A child with a great need to be raised in a loving Christian home. Looking forward to meeting your new child one day soon! Carol Boykin


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